And still not asleep. A lot has kept me up tonight.. Including moving back home in two days, my tattoo on saturday, and obsessing about a stupid boy. You would think finals would be number one in my head but they sadly fall last. I don't know if I'll miss Logan, I feel like I never gave it a real chance. I was dying to move back home the day I moved here. I will admit that moving here has made me really appreciate home and my best friends. Although it has really shown me who gives a rats ass about me. I thought that maybe at the end of my first year of college I would be one step closer to knowing who I am. But I'm just confused as ever. I have confirmed somethings about myself. Number one being I want to work with small kids. I don't know if I still want to be a 2nd grade teacher, but working with kids under the age of five is something I really enjoy. I've also learned that it's okay to seek help somewhere else. There are somethings we can't deal with on our own. If that means seeking help from a doctor, your parents, or a best friend don't be ashamed to do so. :) I may have had to start taking anti depressants to get through my first year of college but I'm grateful I was brave enough to admit to myself I had a problem. They have really helped, I can SOMETIMES fall asleep at night, I can laugh at my mistakes. I also have confidence in myself now. I still have a very low self esteem and it's going to take years to get over it. But I'm glad I've realized some of my self destructive actions that keep me from fully accepting myself. I want to blame my mom and her influence, but when it all comes down to it, I can't have her insecurities affect me for the rest of my life. I'm not the skinniest person in the world, and the only time that bothers me is when I see my mom looking at my like something is wrong. Wtf. I like eating sooo whatt? Just because she is happier being skinner doesn't mean that's how it is for the rest of us.. Blah. See? I have a looong way to go. But I can do it :) Another thing I've realized is that I like to drink. Not good right? Probably not smart to admit on my blog but it's something that is kind of scary. Especially because alcoholism runs in my family. At least I've accepted the fact that it could become a problem. But I care WAY to much about my future, future relationships, my family, and my friends to let it become a habit. I feel like I look to it as a way to become more fun and do to things that I'm too scared to do while sober. But that's one thing I need to overcome, I can't hide behind alcohol every time I want to to kiss a boy. Sure it makes it easier and a lot more fun. But it means more when it's sober. To rely on alcohol makes me a coward. I know I'm young and everybody self medicates, but I want to do it in a safe way. I will only try to look at partying as something fun to do every couple of months, ha. Anyways about a boy, I've started something awkward in two drunken nights. One thing about alcohol is it really messes up feelings, as if they are real or false. I don't really know what I want right now, I know I hate commitment and being in a relationship. But I'm sick of feeling like I'll never being able to grow out of this fear. The only way to overcome it is to go in headfirst. :) We'll see if I'm brave enough. Okay tattoo. :) I'm so nervous. I know that I can handle the pain and the outcome is going to be beautiful. And waiting for things makes them mean that much more.. I'm grateful I have parents who understand this is what I want. And I'm glad I'm mature enough to realize that if I want to be a teacher someday and be taken seriously I can't have a huge tattoo in a relieving place. Although I don't show off my back very much, now when I do it will make it that much more special. I'm thinking that some of these things I shouldn't be talking about in a such a public place but it's really helping me clear my mind. Plus how many people actually read this blog? Not many I'm assuming. :) But I'm really happy because I got a job in SLC! I'll be doing pretty much the same exact thing I do now at the pre-school but in a private home. Speaking of which tomorrow is my last day at ASSERT. It def is a bitter-sweet feeling. I've learned ten times more things in this job then I did in any of my classes. Most importantly I've learned to be patient, which is one skill I'll need as an adult. I'm grateful I got the chance to get this experience, it can only help me in the future. Most kids I know would thank heavenly father for such a blessing,, ha! But I'm thanking myself for being a strong independent person. Moving an hour and a half away from home without any friends or family. Throwing myself into a job that I know nothing about. This has probably been the hardest year of my life, and the most stressful. But that's what college is all about right? And I'm so thankful I have had the support of my family and friends. The ones that stuck around I know our true to me. Now I just have to focus on two more finals and packing of my WHOLE freaking room. Anne is coming up tomorrow to spend the night and help me :) yay. And then on Thursday my mom is coming to help too. :) And then I'll be going home for good. Who knows if I'll finish my degree in Logan? Who cares,, for now I want to focus on what makes me happy. I don't care if people say I failed on moving out and going away for school. Life is too damn short to be a in a place that makes you feel bad. I want to look back at my college life and see it as something that made me happy. :) Yay. haha.
Anyways maybe I should try to sleep, I have to work at 9:45. Blah! Plus I didn't mean to offend anybody about the heavenly father thing, I'm just trying to make a point that I can do all this with faith in myself. :) Smell ya later.
Lindsay
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